Monday, December 27, 2010
Random Thoughts' Monday: Saying goodbye to 2010...
How wrong I'd been...
January went pretty much without hitch. Kiddo started his second year in primary, going from the 'newbie' to the 'grown up one step ahead of the newbie'. :) I had a job, I was writing, hubby was ensconced in his job. Routine, blah, blah blah.
Appearances can be very deceptive though. In February, the cracks started to appear. Yes, I was working and I was writing like a madwoman (finishing a 100K+ novel in 17 days!). Needless to say, I saw next to nothing of the men in the house. Did I think I could get away with it? Yes, I did, because my priorities weren't set right - I wanted to be where I was and I didn't pause for one minute to ever consider the cost. Financially, I was working but not bringing any much home. Which kinda widened the chasm here - I mean, if you've got 'proof' of what you're doing to show, then it's pretty much a good idea to keep doing what you're doing. I didn't. What can I say? I'm a trustful person, I don't expect anyone to use this trust for any nefarious purpose. So yes, said cracks - hubby asks me one day if I thought that maybe he could be sick. He hadn't been feeling great lately, had lost weight, was irritable. But he was also on a huge, huge deadline at work, so what do I do? I brush him off, saying it's probably the stress. See the divide growing here?
By the time March comes around, I have no idea who I am and what the heck I'm doing. My marriage looks like it'll be crumbling any minute, because he and I meet over the dinner table, share a few words, and then I jump back on my laptop, going to bed by the time he's fast asleep. Mornings, don't mention. There's school, and that's all our mornings amount to. Celebrate my birthday, a ho-hum one - did I even recall it was my birthday back then? I don't remember.
My world crashes when my sweetly-angelic-and-devilish, then-6-year-old boy blows his top off and berates me for being an awful mother. "When will you pause to breathe and take a break?" he asks.
I look up and I don't recognise this little boy who, wait a sec, wears the same size T-shirt as I do??? When did that happen? His first trimester exams are also around the corner, and I realize I have no idea what he is even studying this year at school. Pair all that with a massive case of being over-written and sore-writer's-imagination, and the end of March sees one of the biggest episode of my life happen.
I quit. Literally. Quit my job, and was given hell for that. There are all sorts of versions flowing around as to why I was no longer there. The real reason is - I left. Full stop. It was a choice between who I could be and who I wanted to be. I chose the latter.
Suddenly, it was Easter break and I was at home with my boy. My parents were away on a trip abroad, so no 'dropping off to Mom's'. What did I find out? Kiddo's back then's fave movie was High School Musical. We had the sing-along version in the DVD, and this became our favourite activity. He sang as Troy, I did Gabriella. And Sharpey (eek!). I heard him laugh, the kind of children's specific bellow that has them throw their heads back and laugh with their whole body.
When was the last time I had heard that? I didn't remember...
Suddenly too, my marriage was doing much better. Hubby and I would take 20 minutes out every evening and just sit down together. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we didn't. Sometimes I pestered him to let me turn the caveman-him into a slightly more modern version of a caveman who would maybe exfoliate and use some hydrating cream on his face. That made for some hectic moments! :) But it also turns out that we found out my husband had been sick all along - it wasn't the stress. It was diabetes. I don't need to tell you how much of a worthless scumbag I felt when we got the news. I hadn't given anything to the one who mattered, giving my all to worthless pursuits in the meantime...
From there on, life settled down. I found the courage to pick up my 'digital pen' again and start to write. No pressure, no fuss, no worrying. Just the pure, unadulterated pleasure of telling a story the way I wanted to, going back to the thrill of the 'moment' like when I had just started writing 6 years ago now. Picked up my studies too, working towards completing my degree finally.
Along the way, there have been bumps, a most notorious one on this blog itself. But there's a silver lining to every cloud, and the lining I found wasn't silver at all - it was the best, purest platinum to have ever existed. I discovered who my friends were, and the outpouring of support and encouragement messages tumbled me into a wekk-long bout of throat-clogging so much I became emotional. I was totally overwhelmed - and to these fantastic people (you know who you all are!), I say THANK YOU for being in my life and for allowing me to say I know you and I'm proud to be your friend!
Buoyed by this feeling, I wrote some more, and then a 'click' moment happened in early November. My dream had always been to write for Harlequin - ever since the day I read my first romance at 12, I have loved HQ and M&B for the kind of wholesome stories they keep bringing to women the world over.
What's a dream, if you ain't gonna pursue it? We live only once, innit?
Today I know my priorities. I know who I am, what I'm made of. I know who and what matters. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. But this also means I can take an active role and a forward step to make the lives of those who matter better. If not better, I can help make it not worse than it might already be.
I think my husband, son, and stepson are grateful that I came to realize this. I know I am. My family matters. My writing matters. I matter!
Today I look towards the future. I don't know if it is bright, overcast, rainy. I just know it's out there, on a path that's unfurling at my feet, and I need to keep moving. Whatever comes upon this path, God has made me strong enough to deal with it. Whatever happens, happens.
It's with this state of mind that I look towards 2011 and wait to embrace a positive continuation of my life. I just wish all the wonderful people I know can feel the same way too, and that all the best this world has to offer will grace their footsteps and bring at least a smile to their face everyday.
To all the amazing people I have met in my short life, and who have shown me time and again how much they care - my 2011 belongs to you.
And oh, yeah, I don't make resolutions normally, but I still plan of losing my spare-tyre-belly next year! :)
So on that note, let me pen off for 2010. I won't post again before next Monday, when I'll welcome the new year in this very spot.
From Mauritius with tons and tons of love,