Monday, December 27, 2010

Random Thoughts' Monday: Saying goodbye to 2010...

So we're officially upon the last Monday of 2010. My God, where did this year fly, people??? I have no idea where mine went. I seem to recall opening my eyes and 2010 was starting. To admit the truth, I wasn't looking forward to much this year. I was pretty set in a routine and thought I'd reached where I was supposed to reach and was at the position I'd hold for pretty much the rest of my life.

How wrong I'd been...

January went pretty much without hitch. Kiddo started his second year in primary, going from the 'newbie' to the 'grown up one step ahead of the newbie'. :) I had a job, I was writing, hubby was ensconced in his job. Routine, blah, blah blah.

Appearances can be very deceptive though. In February, the cracks started to appear. Yes, I was working and I was writing like a madwoman (finishing a 100K+ novel in 17 days!). Needless to say, I saw next to nothing of the men in the house. Did I think I could get away with it? Yes, I did, because my priorities weren't set right - I wanted to be where I was and I didn't pause for one minute to ever consider the cost. Financially, I was working but not bringing any much home. Which kinda widened the chasm here - I mean, if you've got 'proof' of what you're doing to show, then it's pretty much a good idea to keep doing what you're doing. I didn't. What can I say? I'm a trustful person, I don't expect anyone to use this trust for any nefarious purpose. So yes, said cracks - hubby asks me one day if I thought that maybe he could be sick. He hadn't been feeling great lately, had lost weight, was irritable. But he was also on a huge, huge deadline at work, so what do I do? I brush him off, saying it's probably the stress. See the divide growing here?

By the time March comes around, I have no idea who I am and what the heck I'm doing. My marriage looks like it'll be crumbling any minute, because he and I meet over the dinner table, share a few words, and then I jump back on my laptop, going to bed by the time he's fast asleep. Mornings, don't mention. There's school, and that's all our mornings amount to. Celebrate my birthday, a ho-hum one - did I even recall it was my birthday back then? I don't remember.
My world crashes when my sweetly-angelic-and-devilish, then-6-year-old boy blows his top off and berates me for being an awful mother. "When will you pause to breathe and take a break?" he asks.
I look up and I don't recognise this little boy who, wait a sec, wears the same size T-shirt as I do??? When did that happen? His first trimester exams are also around the corner, and I realize I have no idea what he is even studying this year at school. Pair all that with a massive case of being over-written and sore-writer's-imagination, and the end of March sees one of the biggest episode of my life happen.

I quit. Literally. Quit my job, and was given hell for that. There are all sorts of versions flowing around as to why I was no longer there. The real reason is - I left. Full stop. It was a choice between who I could be and who I wanted to be. I chose the latter.

Suddenly, it was Easter break and I was at home with my boy. My parents were away on a trip abroad, so no 'dropping off to Mom's'. What did I find out? Kiddo's back then's fave movie was High School Musical. We had the sing-along version in the DVD, and this became our favourite activity. He sang as Troy, I did Gabriella. And Sharpey (eek!). I heard him laugh, the kind of children's specific bellow that has them throw their heads back and laugh with their whole body.
When was the last time I had heard that? I didn't remember...
Suddenly too, my marriage was doing much better. Hubby and I would take 20 minutes out every evening and just sit down together. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we didn't. Sometimes I pestered him to let me turn the caveman-him into a slightly more modern version of a caveman who would maybe exfoliate and use some hydrating cream on his face. That made for some hectic moments! :) But it also turns out that we found out my husband had been sick all along - it wasn't the stress. It was diabetes. I don't need to tell you how much of a worthless scumbag I felt when we got the news. I hadn't given anything to the one who mattered, giving my all to worthless pursuits in the meantime...

From there on, life settled down. I found the courage to pick up my 'digital pen' again and start to write. No pressure, no fuss, no worrying. Just the pure, unadulterated pleasure of telling a story the way I wanted to, going back to the thrill of the 'moment' like when I had just started writing 6 years ago now. Picked up my studies too, working towards completing my degree finally.

Along the way, there have been bumps, a most notorious one on this blog itself. But there's a silver lining to every cloud, and the lining I found wasn't silver at all - it was the best, purest platinum to have ever existed. I discovered who my friends were, and the outpouring of support and encouragement messages tumbled me into a wekk-long bout of throat-clogging so much I became emotional. I was totally overwhelmed - and to these fantastic people (you know who you all are!), I say THANK YOU for being in my life and for allowing me to say I know you and I'm proud to be your friend!

Buoyed by this feeling, I wrote some more, and then a 'click' moment happened in early November. My dream had always been to write for Harlequin - ever since the day I read my first romance at 12, I have loved HQ and M&B for the kind of wholesome stories they keep bringing to women the world over.

What's a dream, if you ain't gonna pursue it? We live only once, innit?

Today I know my priorities. I know who I am, what I'm made of. I know who and what matters. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. But this also means I can take an active role and a forward step to make the lives of those who matter better. If not better, I can help make it not worse than it might already be.

I think my husband, son, and stepson are grateful that I came to realize this. I know I am. My family matters. My writing matters. I matter!

Today I look towards the future. I don't know if it is bright, overcast, rainy. I just know it's out there, on a path that's unfurling at my feet, and I need to keep moving. Whatever comes upon this path, God has made me strong enough to deal with it. Whatever happens, happens.

It's with this state of mind that I look towards 2011 and wait to embrace a positive continuation of my life. I just wish all the wonderful people I know can feel the same way too, and that all the best this world has to offer will grace their footsteps and bring at least a smile to their face everyday.

To all the amazing people I have met in my short life, and who have shown me time and again how much they care - my 2011 belongs to you.

And oh, yeah, I don't make resolutions normally, but I still plan of losing my spare-tyre-belly next year! :)

So on that note, let me pen off for 2010. I won't post again before next Monday, when I'll welcome the new year in this very spot.

From Mauritius with tons and tons of love,

Zee

19 comments:

Lynn S. said...

Wishing you a wonderful and successful 2011. May you achieve your dreams.

Many huge bear hugs!

Lynn

Chelle Sandell said...

Love you, sweet friend! I realized you had struggles throughout the year, but not to that extent!! Huge hugs!! Glad that everything has evened out and all is right in your fantabulous world again. Can't wait to see what wonderful stories you come up with for HQ!

Rebecca Royce said...

Z--
What a year you have had! And I bet you didn't realize how much had happened until you actually started to think about it. 2011 will be a wonderful year for you and I can't wait to see what you do!


Rebecca

Zee Monodee said...

Thanks Lynn. A wonderful and successful 2011 full of love & happiness for you, dear friend!

Huge bear hugs back! :)

Zee Monodee said...

Chelle,

It's been a rollercoaster of a year, but thank goodness things have evened out. Thank goodness I woke up in time to get them sorted and evened out, :)

Can't wait for your great stories to flow back to me again (hint, hint *grin*). I look forward to penning mine, :)

Huge hugs darlin!!

Zee Monodee said...

Rebecca,

Lol, you're right. It's actually when I sat down to think back that I realized a) so much had happened, and b) it all took place over a year! Astounding...

2011 will be a good one, I'm sure of it. :) For me, for you too. Can't wait for more Rebecca Royce in the coming year. You'll break through the ceiling yet again and soar to the sky, girl! :)

Huge hugs

Brenda said...

Zee, while I read your post, I cried, I laughed, I nodded, I understood.
Wishing you and your family all the BEST in 2011 and after!

Tabitha Blake said...

You are a great friend and writer. Being a writer is tough. We spend so much time alone and get so tied up in our stories we tend to forget everything else. I do understand and I have to be told to snap out of it a lot by the hubby too.It is all a learning process on time management. I know it has been a tough year but you are one of the strongest people I know. I am blessed to have a friend like you. You brought tears to my eyes. I wish you a very Happy New Year!

Angela Guillaume said...

What a beautiful thing when things just "click", when you find yourself and know which direction you're going. This is a gift, Zee - as were all the trials you had to suffer in 2010...without them you may not have had this epiphany. So for 2011, my friend, you know what I'm going to say - keep the dream alive! BTW - did you get the video of the song I sent you? I may have already sent this before to you, but I love to hear this song at the end of a year, to keep in mind that life has more in store for me :) Stay strong x

Zee Monodee said...

Thank you Brenda. The same to you and yours!

Love & hugs

Zee Monodee said...

Tabitha,

You brought a lump to my throat too. I am really blessed to have met such wonderful folks like you, all through 2010 actually!
Yes, it's true that we often lose our sight and scope when writing, sadly, a job too can have the same effect. I so wanted to 'achieve' that I lost sight of all that mattered. Thank goodness I reigned myself in just in time.

Big hugs, I look forward to 2011 by your side and with everyone else.

Hugs

Zee Monodee said...

Angela, yes - all these 'bad stuff' clicked into place to help me find where and what I wanted to be. There's always a blessing in disguise in every mishap that happens to us.

Yes, I did get your video, darling. Just sorry I've been remiss in replying. :) Yup, it's truly a song to lift your spirits up and inspire you to look forward towards the horizon and grab your dream along the way.

Stay strong? Yes I will, especially with all the amazing people I can count and who have shown me that it's what in the heart that truly matters even if distances of thousands of miles separate us. *grin*

Huge hugs, and happy 2011 to you too, sweets!

Joann said...

Wow, lady, you have been on a journey! ((HUGS))Zee, now you seem to have found the right highway to travel toward your dream--Kudos, stay strong! :)

Sandy said...

I'm so glad you figured out what to do for yourself and your family, Zee. You're a wonderful writer, so I know you'll succeed, but family should come first.

I've struggled this year with my priorities, too, but I think I have figured it out now.

Hugs.

Sandy said...

Oops, I forgot to say, keep that man healthy and the kiddo laughing.

Zee Monodee said...

Thank you Joann! Yup, found the way. Life is a highway, as the song goes - just gotta ride it all night long! :)

Big hugs!

Zee Monodee said...

Hey Sandy

Long time no hear, lady! Thanks, I have found out that my family matters, and that's where my priorities lie. Looking after the man and keeping the kid laughing (even if we do end up sounding like hysterical hyenas much of the time!) - that's my plan too. Plus write stories that will bring a glow into reders' hearts.

Glad to hear you've figured your way too, Sandy. That's always a good thing, to know who we are and where we stand.

Big hugs!

Beth Ciotta said...

Oh, Zee. What a year you had. I'm so glad I came over and caught up with your life. Congratulations on all you realized and achieved and all the wondrous times ahead. Let's rock 2011!

Zee Monodee said...

Thanks Beth! So glad you came over!

We'll all definitely rock 2011. We've got it in us, now we'll let it shine. :)

Big hugs

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